One thing you might not know is that when I start to feel lost or melancholy, I tend to pull back and go within myself to figure things out, learn things about myself. That's where I've been, and this is what I've learned:
2012 was a very full year for me. I was still high last New Year's Day from the headiness of having released my debut novel eight months earlier. I remember thinking at the time that I couldn't believe I was still in that euphoric state and how long could I do that? But by May I was planning long delayed orthopedic surgery and my recovery. I thought: "Cool! Yea, I'll be in pain but I'll be off from work for 3 months and I can write!"
I truly envisioned myself writing the whole time I was in recovery. NOT!!!
I was barely able to move during the first two weeks and heavily medicated for 6 weeks. I know there are some writers who write really good work while sipping on a cocktail or two, but I can't. My mind goes blank -- my brains are, literally, mashed potatoes.
I can almost hear them squishing about in my head. So imagine how worthless I was feeling during those first six precious weeks. Eventually, I was able to finish "Divergent Lives" during that time and a few weeks later, I returned to work as did that dark shadow hanging over me. What a cruel twist to have had the opportunity to get a taste of what life could be, only to have reality smack me on the forehead.
I know. I'm rambling. Bear with me ... I'm getting there.
This week a co-worker/friend died unexpectedly. We used to work together on the same floor but two years ago, my firm's NY office moved and departments were split between two locations. Dion worked at the second location, so except for facebook exchanges I had very little contact with him after the move. He is the second person working out of the second location who passed away in less than a year.This saddens me especially since I don't handle this kind of loss very well. Are you kidding me? I still cry over my father's passing 7 years ago.
That's the way I am.What can I tell you?
In addition, I've not been entirely happy since I returned to work.I am extremely grateful to have a job, particularly since I am my sole source of income. So, please don't chastise me for my feelings. The truth of the matter is that I got a taste of what it would be like to be able to write whenever I felt like it. I got used to not having to rush to go anywhere during rush hour and dealing with the masses. When you work someplace for as long as I have, things might linger until you return, or things might change. My job has changed a bit, I've changed .. a lot .. but life goes on and I've learned to adjust.
I am happiest when I'm creating; writing; talking about creating, and writing some more. In fact, writing this post has lifted my spirits to heights I haven't been in weeks.
I am the luckiest girl in the world to be able to openly share my thoughts and feelings without fearing ridicule and looks of confusion someone might have who doesn't get it. Some of you might feel or have felt the same way. To share with people who are like minded makes me feel less alone and grateful to have found my passion.
My friend Dion's passing is testimony to the fact that life is precious and you never know when it's all going to be snatched away. All the more reason to follow your bliss. Writing is mine.